Stupid COVID

I'm so sick of COVID. I hate it. Ugh, I can't even blame this on COVID, it's not COVID's fault. I don't hate COVID, I hate this feeling. What's worse is I created this myself. Let me start at the beginning.

On the spectrum of Worried-About-COVID Tico has been a high 10 from the beginning. I have been a low 2. I believe the science, I just don't think something like getting sick is as important as staying mentally healthy. Tico believes that since he is a male and over 50 (51, to be exact) he is high risk and needs to take all possible precautions.

Initially, Tico used hand sanitizer religiously, didn't unload groceries without cleaning all washable surfaces, and even slept on the couch for 10 days after the kids returned from their dad's to self-quarantine. As the weeks progressed he eased up and even agreed to travel to Utah with me to visit family.

I have a dear friend who lives in Nebraska that just got laid off and I suggested she drive out for the long weekend to get out of town. I didn't know she was coming until I got a text and a selfie of her driving and by then COVID had jumped to booming levels. So now she's here, I want to see her, and Tico is mad at me for seeing her.

He is mad at me and it makes me very uncomfortable. I know this is just a feeling. I know it's my delicate ego that I don't want it to be my fault. I see that it would have worked better for Tico and my sisters' families if I hadn't mentioned for her to come to Utah for the weekend.

I don't want to be in trouble. I don't want to be the one who put my friend in a bad spot by trying to include her in a fun mountain holiday. I don't want my sister to be mad at me and I don't want Tico to be mad at me. I want my kids to be able to play freely with her kids and I want my friend to feel welcomed by my sisters and their families.

I want agreement from Tico and my sisters that I made the right call, even if I see now that I didn't. I want my friend to know I love her and that I can't spend the time with her because of the pandemic, not because I am blowing her off. I'm trying to walk the strict tightrope of not making anyone mad and I kind of hate myself for not being more confident or secure to handle other peoples' feelings.