Bored Out Of My Fucking Mind

This.Sucks.So.Much. I hate this.

I did so much today to keep my mind busy and, still, it wasn't enough. I still want to crawl out of my own skin. I spent energy connecting with my daughter and getting fun chores done. We went to Home Depot and bought new plants for the patio and she picked out a pretty mustard orange/yellow to paint her bookshelf. I made a healthy and delicious 'lean and green' meal and I rested by the pool while she swam.

And yet. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be sober and on this stupid diet. I want to be drinking rose and eating pizza. I want to skinny dip while high on edibles. I want something to get me out of this uncomfortable place. A plate of brownies. A plate of brownies would get me out of this uncomfortable place.

Why am I even doing this anymore, anyway? Last week I lost 0.6 pounds. 0.6 pounds is nothing! To make matters worse, I suspect I haven't lost much more. My clothes fit the same as last week.

Tonight I tried watching the videos of my new work from home gig and, true to form, they bored the hell out of me. Normally, surprisingly, I find them interesting, but tonight I was too agitated to sit still for long. I look forward to the time I can go to bed and fall asleep. Sitting with this anxiety is hard.