COVID Conversations and Memories

Yesterday I had a rare few hours alone with my 15 yr old son. We got Chick-fil-a and a haircut then I took him to get a COVID test so he would be allowed to meet up with his girlfriend. The COVID test took over an hour so we found ourselves sitting in the car, talking while waiting for the doctor to administer the test.

Conversation led to social distancing and how it effects some differently than others. We talked about the young man who committed suicide last month from his school. We talked about depression and how it looks and what it can feel like. I shared with him that I had a cycle of depression a few years (3 years?) ago and what it felt like for me. I told him how I didn't want to talk to anyone, I slept a lot, and I struggled with work. I told him the only person I wanted to talk to was Tico.

I didn't tell him how Tico was the one who held me while I cried every day and encouraged me to do what I needed to do to feel better. He supported me during that time and, although it was painful and excruciating, I felt closer to him than ever. I felt like I had a partner.

Being alone can be hard. When I was married I craved the alone time and took pleasure in a rare day by myself. Now that Tico has been gone for a couple months my anger is fading and what is underneath is raw sadness. Sadness so profound and so fleeting that it literally takes my breath away, then disappears to a dull throb. Evenings and nights are harder than the mornings and days. Crawling into bed alone in the cold is just plain sad.

Christmas is coming up and I recall fun nights at the Nordstrom Cafe when I would drink an Old Fashioned and we would shop or meet up with his sister and brother in law. It was warm and cozy and I loved sharing a holiday shopping night with family. I felt like a princess with my handsome date to open my car door and take me out to dinner. He has a nice, clean car with seat warmers and he would always drive home so I could drink.

I'm trying to recall why I'm separating with this imperfect man. Can we live apart but date forever? Do I just love the idea of who he was, romantic and sweet but not a partner when it comes to living my dreams? Will his temper ever level out, will he ever take responsibility for it if it doesn't? Will he ever really be able to hear me? How do I know if he is coming around if we aren't living together? What will be the sign that we move forward or end this? In the meantime I'm so sad.