Day 10 And Counting

Day 10 of my diet is complete. This is brutal. I never realized just how many times I reach into my drawer full of chocolate covered almonds and peanut butter cups to get me through the day. I feel hungry but hunger is bearable. The general boredom is what is unbearable. Boredom from not eating sweet snacks, drinking wine, and basically having whatever I want when I want it.

Maybe my mom was right, maybe I am addicted to food. I certainly have an unhealthy relationship with food that is starting to show. Maybe I've used food to entertain me or placate bad feelings like some use alcohol or drugs. Maybe I also use alcohol for the same purpose.

Why am I doing this? To lose weight? The thought of not having the freedom to eat and drink what I want is hitting me. I don't want to live like this. Being skinny isn't worth this kind of daily agony. What if I lose the weight, then what? Then I ease up slightly but still have to watch what I eat closely or I will gain it all back. What is the point?

This Optavia program has a self-development side that I like. My coach told me yesterday, "boredom is an emotion and you are learning to master your emotions". Is boredom an emotion? And if it is, what is the thought that happens so fast that I might not even notice, that makes me feel boredom? It's something close to 'I am so lonely', 'I have a sucky life', 'this sucks', 'I should be making more money', 'I am such a loser'. I'm still discovering all the facets. The point is that I can change that thought from 'I'm such a loser' to 'I'm am an amazing person' and the emotion won't lead to boredom, it will be self-satisfaction or peace, instead. Sounds so simple, right?

If I ask why am I doing this I don't think it is all about the weight. Sure, it would be nice to be a bit thinner, but that isn't what drives me. No, it is about my relationship to food and alcohol and even more importantly, it is about my relationship to boredom.