Doubt

I had a hard time concentrating today. If you're able to even follow this blog post then thank you for sticking it out because I'm all over the place. It was difficult to focus and everything seemed to be arduous and uncomfortable. I know I'm smart enough, I know I can handle difficult things. I'm strategic and resourceful. But lately, I've been thinking my grace period at my new job has expired and I "should be" further than I am.

A friend recently introduced me to the concept of Imposter Syndrome. Imposter Syndrome is extreme self-doubt in one's capabilities even when factual evidence proves otherwise. It is accompanied by negative self-talk, lack of confidence, depression, and anxiety and commonly shows up at people's work.

Why is it that all bad days (Mondays thru Fridays) seem to focus on my self-imposed poor work performance? Sometimes I'm struck by the short breath of time we are granted to live on this earth, maybe with an afterlife and maybe not, and I think, none of this matters. My job doesn't matter. My anxiety doesn't matter. All that matters are my kids. The only things on this planet that I really care about are my kids. My kids and a nice double breve cappuccino, extra foam. And maybe skinny dipping in the ocean with dolphins.

Today's depression and anxiety have nothing to do with my job. No, today's depression and anxiety are brought to you by my newest obsession, buying a house. After careful deliberation and multiple conversations with my lender and real estate agent, and hours of online shopping for houses, I've decided to buy a house and use my current home as a rental property. This decision did not come lightly because I'll have to move out of the city where I live to afford a house. The school district is different but I intend to apply for a district transfer and, if I'm denied, then we can move back into our current place in a year. I want a yard. I want a plot of land with a little place for a garden and I very much want an office to work where the door shuts.

I'm struggling to have faith that the perfect house will come along that I can easily afford. A beautifully remodeled townhome sold to someone else and when I saw the notification I was devastated. My stomach clenched and I wanted to moan and cry. I didn't even have anyone to commiserate with because Tico isn't buying the house with me and doesn't want to move. I wandered around all day, aimless and anxious that it isn't going to work out. What if I missed the buying season and no more houses come on the market until next spring? What if I make everyone move and they all hate it? What if I buy the wrong house? What if the market crashes and I'm making a huge mistake?

Today's affirmation is "Affirmations and visualization are now empowering me to create my own life the way I want it". I wish I could shake this anxiety enough to stop and listen to the words. For some reason, the anxiety is so great that it is shrinking me. For now, I will remind myself that some days we have to be gentle on ourselves. So I will go to my friend's house and drink diet cokes on her porch.