Happy-Sad

I'm sad. Just a little sad. Kind of a happy-sad, if that makes sense. Like, sad that the day is over but happy that I got to have it.

Today I went stand-up paddleboarding with my best friend from high school. What a special afternoon to get to spend with her. She stole some White Claws from her young adult daughter and after we paddled around for a while we sat in the shade and talked.

Remember how when my friend Kristie lost all that weight I was jealous and standoffish but I didn't know why? Well, I treated dear Alie the same way in high school. I realized today that I did that and I'm sad to know I caused someone I love such pain.

She shared with me today that it seemed that I didn't want to hang out with her our senior year. I know what she's referring to. What she didn't know, and what I didn't want to admit, was that I was jealous of her. Alice is pretty and was popular with the boys. She was stylish and had long, beautiful hair and olive skin. I wore dowdy clothes, had a short, boyish haircut, and had pale (and I thought) sickly-looking skin. I had no boyfriends and I desperately wanted attention from the boys to make me feel loved. She had a boyfriend who cherished her and I imagined that she never felt the loneliness of being unloved. I wanted a boyfriend that took me to lunch and the dances. Alice always had lots of invitations to the dances and I didn't have any! I wanted a boy to love when I stopped to talk to him in the hall.

Instead of admitting to her how painful this was for me I simply pulled away and spent time alone or with other friends. I didn't like my other friends as much as I liked her but it was too painful to be reminded of how I didn't attract boys therefore something was wrong with me.

Just like with Kristie, I didn't ask for help. I could have confided in her that she had something that I wanted and didn't know how to get. I could have asked for help and she would have gladly given me a makeover or coached me on how to flirt. I didn't admit my deepest fear--that no matter what I did no boy would love me. I pretended I didn't care and I buried my shame.

Have I been jealous of those I love in other friendships? Perhaps. And forgiving myself is probably ok, albiet hard. Discovering that I did this and continue to do this is humbling and makes me grateful for second chances and a forgiving friend.