Hello Again

Hello again, my friends, both anonymous and the very few well-known. I haven't posted in a while, as you know. I've written, I've thought, I've lived, but I haven't posted. As I meddle with finding the balance of working for myself, I stopped some activities deemed unproductive. For a reasoning that goes beyond what I could easily express, I have deemed blogging as unproductive. So tonight I blog. Just for fun. So hopefully this won't be significant or particularly useful.

Problems and fears and heartbreaks have consumed me for the last few weeks. I want to let go and allow a rest from the journey that had this period of pain. I feel pain try to pull me back in, reminding me that it is all mine to fix. The pain reminds me to ask myself, "What is the worst that could happen?" and prepare for that. It reminds me that I'm alone.

Tonight I allow myself to stop worrying about being productive. Tonight I say, what's the best that can possibly happen? It all works out? It goes better than I expected? How about this: Tonight I prepare for that. I don't know how it is going to look and I won't try to figure it out. It's going to be better than anything I could come up with anyway. My soul is a baby, looking forward to the level that it is growing into. It is impossible to imagine how growth will look and feel on the other side. Tonight I will allow myself to trust and connect with you again.

On the realm of insignificant and useless information, here is my little stream of consciousness.

I've got a crush on this little Irish Catholic guy at the office. It's wildly inappropriate because we work together and, besides, it would never work for 100 other reasons but, I can't help it, I think about his penis. So with all this talk about circumcision, I naturally gravitate to the age old question: Is he circumcised? I mean, I like both, but uncircumcised? Yes, please.

He was born and raised in Ireland in a poor farming community so I think I'm safe to say his family went with the norm. I googled on my phone and found that Irish Catholic men are circumcised 0.93% of the time meaning there is about a 99.07% chance that this dude is uncircumcised. Extremely conclusive and helpful. I am now free to masturbate to an uncircumcised penis. Happy ending, end of story, right?

Wrong.

iPhones and Macs "talk" to each other. Shut the fuck up Apple, I know its supposed to be helpful, but you've taken away what little dignity a girl can have in a little light internet stalking. And you have to live with that. For God's sake, Apple, my office manager was standing at my desk, looking over my shoulder!

My only hope is she stopped at the word tantric and thinks I'm into some weird sex shit. I don't want her to know I think about that uncircumcised penis.

Which brings us to the next topic. I signed up to do a Tantra Speed Dating. It looks super weird and all connect-y, which is right up my alley. I'm thinking lots of improv games with extra time to talk thrown in. The website boasts ' . . engaging dialogue, light partner yoga, movement/dance, heartwarming eye-gazing, and even some gentle hand-holding'. Hinge and Bumble feels awkward but Tantric Speed Dating sounds oddly compelling. Oooooh, I'm so vulnerable and scared and excited! What will I wear? Something cute.

Last night was Halloween. I chatted with my neighbor for a long time. My edible had just kicked in so I was on a roll. Plus I think they are cool so I wanted to hang out. Our street is great on Halloween. We have jaunted houses, spooky recordings, and/or lights on almost every house. Except me. I have absolutely no decorations on a street that goes the whole 9 yards for Halloween. My house is so boring that trick-or-treaters skip my house with the light ON because they assume we have no candy. In fact, the only way kids come to my house is if I sit out on the front yard with a chair to welcome them into my dark, undecorated yard.

Calling out in my creepy old lady witch voice, "Want some candy, Little Child?"

That's all for now. Love you, dear blog.