Margot Tenenbaum

Have you seen the movie The Royal Tenenbaums? There is a scene with Margot Tenenbaum sitting in her bathroom with the door locked, chain-smoking cigarettes in lovely smokey goodness. I think of that scene and I think of how good a cigarette would taste. The melty inhale of menthol and nicotine.

Sitting with anxiety and boredom was excruciating today. I think the thought starts with "I am terrible at my job” when I don’t know how to do something. I have a finalist presentation coming up in September that I have never done a finalist presentation before. I asked another team member for her finalist presentation and had the sneaky, mean thought, "She doesn't want to give it to me. I should already know how to do a finalist presentation". On Tuesday I was asked to present a complicated new sourcing program on a team call and I don't know what I will say. I’m trying to stay on top of new programs and the industry emails but I'm reading but I don't understand. I feel like I'm in over my head. I don't have complaints from my clients or my leaders but I can't shake the feeling that my luck will run out and everyone will soon know how incapable I am of performing this job well.

How many of us feel like we are frauds with our jobs and being paid for a job poorly done?

Tico relates to the negative self-talk and is surprisingly supportive of my need to process and talk about it. I say surprisingly but it doesn’t surprise me. It's a beautiful part of how we connect that I have been appreciating for the last couple of weeks.

The desire for a glass of wine or a huge piece of butter cake was strong. I didn’t want to break the diet so I opted to chain smoke 5 cigarettes instead. We sat outside, Tico with his cigar and me with my menthols, and talked by our fire pit while listening to Def Leppard. I smoked like I was Margo Tenenbaum.