Moving In And Moving On

Good Morning Readers, I'm thrilled to be alive today. I moved into my new house and added most of the initial tweaks to make it beautiful and lovely. It is a gift to own a home with a spacious backyard where I can drink La Croix and smoke cigarettes if I want to. A wild chicken comes through to pick little nuggets out of the grass and yesterday my dog and I sat and watched her in the Southern California sun.

I started a new therapy called Brainspotting that focuses on resolving traumas. The trauma point that I chose to work on this week led me down a path that clarified my constant anxiety in Tico's presence. As memories and feelings passed through my awareness during the therapy process I saw the constant level of control that I have been expected to maintain in hopes of managing his outbursts. I recalled a fight where he was berating me at the buffet table during a party for his sister saying inexcusable things while I tried to calm him. My role has been to hold space for his self-expression, even when abusive or cruel, and be his unaffected loving support. I was reminded of his parents and how they demand constant affirmation and how he, in turn, demands the same attentions. It was crystal clear to me then and it is clear to me now that no longer want to be in my marriage with him.

I told him I want to file for divorce this week and I've been through a barrage of feelings. For a few weeks I was thoroughly heartbroken. I miss his siblings and their spouses desperately, I miss the cuddles and making love, I miss our dinners to nice restaurants and being taken out on nice dates.

I also feel intense relief and excitement for my life ahead without him. I look forward to spending time with friends with no time limitations due to his jealousy and traveling to places he would never visit. I get so excited that my armpits get all sweaty and I want to smoke earlier mentioned cigarettes.

I feel calm and peaceful when making dinner with my kids and watching shows while cuddling on the couch.

I feel sad for my son for whom I know misses his comaraderie.

I feel scared that he will get nasty and that I need to maintain his equilibrium through the next phases of divorce. I see him this afternoon for lunch and a conversation around logistics. I'm nervous of succumbing to my old habits of helping him maintain his anxieties.

I'm embarrassed that I have to go through another divorce and change my name for a third time.

I feel like a badass for abstaining from alcohol during this precarious time, for buying a second home and for managing my anxiety with self-compassion.

Did I mention I feel relieved?