Sitting In The Unknown

I'm a Landmark junkie. Landmark is a personal development education program that teaches courses where we talk about what is possible and we transform the conversations holding us back from what we want.

I'm currently taking a Landmark course called Partnership Explorations where the main theme is to explore the unknown. The course pushes up against what we don't know so we can notice our response to the uncomfortable feelings and see where we are stopped. The course prompted me to consider the Optavia diet and commit to the online marketing home business.

I didn't understand much of the course discussion today and I certainly didn't grasp the book discussion on the recommended reading, Foucault's The Order of Things. I guess that's the point. I wish I could relax into it and drink coffee and let it wash over me. I couldn't; the damn confusion caused me so much anxiety.

Do you know what comes up for me? 1-I don't give a shit. 2-This is boring. 3-I'm not smart enough to get this.

Sound familiar? Yup!

Basically everything I've been dealing with the last couple weeks. Today sitting in this course I couldn't enjoy the interesting conversation and chatting with my friends via zoom. Instead, I was thinking about how I'm a fraud at my job. I have to make that damn finalist presentation. I have to present the complicated new sourcing program on the next team call.

I'm anxious just thinking of explaining something without knowing what to say. Sitting with that unknown I felt bored and anxious.

It may seem to you like we've covered this. And perhaps we have. Yet this is the same discovery repeated in new situations.

Are the self-deprecating thoughts of being inadequate at the source of my boredom and anxiety? If they are, how, exactly does one change their thoughts so the brain authentically believes them?