Still Dieting

I'm still dieting. It's been 6 days. I've lost 0.6 pounds and some of my stubborn righteousness.

A couple days ago Tico and I were eating dinner at the nice Greek restaurant again.

I wanted to connect. I decided I would have a glass of wine and open up to him about my diet and why I didn't want to share it sooner.

"I've been trying to eat healthy. I wanted to talk to you about it but I've been afraid to because I was so hurt when you said I was overweight a few months ago." I started.

"I don't want to talk about this now. This isn't good dinner conversation." He responded.

He shut me down. I was pissed and hurt. I finished my wine and my lamb chops (sans potatoes) then went over to my friend's house to commiserate and cry.

Kristie and I have been friends for 5 years. We are neighbors and she is also one of my best friends. Recently I've felt distanced from her and haven't been able to determine why. She divorced her husband (like me), proceeded to attach herself to the wrong man then obsess over him (like I did), and she lost 30 pounds (unlike me). I had been blaming the distance on her inability to leave the men that were no good for her, but I didn't understand why I was being so critical when I had been through the same process.

Today I realized I've been judging her for getting skinny. It took opening up about how upsetting this week was with Tico and the diet and being honest about how I perceive her now that she has shed all her extra weight. I can see that I've put her, my mom, and Tico in the same category of people who want me to lose weight and I resented her. I cried at her kitchen table while she helped me unfold the truth of what losing weight means to me.

The burden of being skinny to please my mom that was ever-present while growing up and in most of my adult life is gone, or so I've told myself. Every time I see mom 30 pounds heavier than my natural weight it's like respecting myself and shouting, "I don't care what you think!" I want to high-five my own ass. Eat the Ben and Jerry's in front of her. Except, who is this hurting? Who is choosing my body weight when I have to be heavier than what is comfortable to feel independent from mom's judgment?

I asked Kristie for help and support and I'm feeling a new resolution about losing the weight, but God help me if Tico or my mother tells me it's nice to see me taking care of myself.