Sugar Sweet

My anxiety is through the roof tonight. I suppose it's to be expected given that Tico moved out and I'm starting to adjust. I want candy and chocolates and I want to watch TV. I want my kids but I want to be alone. I can't seem to get comfortable in my own skin. The thought of going to bed only depresses me because I will have to wake up and start all over again tomorrow.

Sugar and my future new house are on my mind tonight. I am thinking about my new house obsessively while chewing sugar-free gum to stave off my sweet tooth. I'm deeply regretting not buying the house and I can't seem to shake that I will never find another one that I love as much.

When Husband #1 and I separated I spent a lot of time meeting new men, having casual sex, and fantasizing desperately about how they would be my new partner to love and cherish me as I had always wanted. The fantasizing was debilitating to the point that I couldn't focus on work or my kids. It was miserable. Fantasizing takes me out of what I don't want to face and gives me a 'hit' or a rush of something wonderful.

Fantasizing is like eating a handful of chocolate-covered almonds while sitting on the couch with no worries (but you have a deadline at work in an hour). It's like drinking rose with a best friend while talking and giggling (even though you know the rose will make you violently ill). For a moment, all cares and concerns are erased. For just a second everything is perfect.

Is my sugar craving and my house search my new rush? I check for new homes like my newly divorced friend checks her dating app. I know fantasies don't give me the ultimate peace and happiness that I aspire to and I also know, from experiences 9 years ago, that the rabbit hole of fantasy doesn't end well. But isn't a little sugar ok? Isn't indulging in a little house buying fantasy fair game when it's been a dream for years? One little moment at a time is all I can manage to stay away from the temptation of the real estate app. One day at a time to abstain from eating a piece of cake.