Unexpected Surprise

The universe sure sends us fun little surprises, doesn't it? A close confidante from 18 years ago resurfaced in my life.

I think about who I was then and who I am now. I've become a woman who is guided almost entirely by my intuition and she held my hand through that first, scary step of listening to myself. I was in my early 30s when I met her with my then husband. Back then I hoped to save our marriage. He bowed out from our conversations after about a year, but I decided to continue with her on my own.

I was a young mother, desperate to avoid the fates of my bloodline. Anxiety, blame, and judgement mixed with loneliness, and feelings of being unsafe.

Whew. I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. So, so glad. Grateful. I could weep at the glorious beauty of my life. To think that I made it to where I am now. It's beautiful, really, because when I was sitting with her I couldn't fathom being who I am today. I lived towards it, and she gave me hope of someone I could be someday, but I didn't know if I would make it.

Will I ever be happy? Will I ever feel good, consistently? I remember asking her, "How long is this going to take? Is this going to work? Can you just give me timeline? Just a hint of how long this will take." My persistence wore her down, and one day she finally said 3-5 years.

It too much, much longer. Another marriage, more pain to heal, career changes. Almost 20 years later and I finally feel grateful that I get to live my magical life.

Thank God I kept going. Thank all my goddesses, all my ancestors, all my spirit guides. I've been loved and protected my entire life. I can see from a vantage point above all else that every tear drop, every agonizing panic attack, every fight with a loved one, every decision that looked crazy from the outside, I was being guided by supreme forces of love towards my soul's purpose.

I still experience a lot of pain. I sob uncontrollably a couple times a month. I feel dread and fears. And yet, it's different. In a way I don't know how to articulate. It's just different.