Wasting Away. . .

The COVID 20 has caught up to me and I no longer fit into my pants. I stepped on the scale and it was horrifying. I decided I'm going to lose this extra weight, once and for all.

What a frustrating endeavor. I have so many feelings about losing weight. Am I doing this for Tico? Am I doing this for my mother? Is this about accepting my body the way it is or would it really be better for my health to lose weight? It isn't fair that I have to worry about my weight when so many others get to eat what they want.

Last fall Tico and I were sitting outside at a nice Greek restaurant enjoying a delicious dinner. A couple at a nearby table was struggling with their baby and we were fawning over our little dog, a 15-pound poodle as much as the new parents were coddling their newborn. I made a joke about how it was a good thing that we never had a baby because we would be a mess. It landed on Tico as I'm glad I never had a child with you. He was hurt and upset by the comment.

And that's when he dropped the bomb. He started with, "I want to talk about something with you but I'm scared you are going to get upset." Then confessed, "I am struggling with being attracted to you with your current weight." Was he reacting to the having-a-baby comment or was this his genuine position? Does it matter? Who says that to their beautiful wife?

I was hurt. I was pissed. I hated him and I resented him. Why does this upset me so much? I think I have a nice body. It has plumped up a bit in the last couple of years but I still like it. I have big boobs and a bigger ass and I like my curves. Shouldn't I be confident enough to blow off his comments and be comfortable in my own skin? But the message from Tico's sister and mom is that skinny is beautiful and the message isn't new to me. My mom and her mother were the same. My sisters, too. The worst thing we could be growing up was fat, and, although we never were, our food options were severely limited. We didn't have sugar in the house, a common dinner was vegetables and tofu, and my grandfather frequently "joked" about how we would get fat if we continued eating as hungry teenagers. Over the years I worry that Mom has developed an eating disorder. She has slowly eliminated every type of food that could potentially cause weight gain including gluten, corn, dairy, most fats, and, most recently, rice. Once, in a terrible argument, she attacked my weight and told me I have a food addiction.

Fast forward 10 months (and about 10 more pounds) and I'm finally able to take a step towards trimming down but all the mad feelings towards Tico have come rushing back. I don't want him encouraging me to have a body that he wants for me. I don't want him satisfied that he was right, that is, that I am overweight and unattractive. So I've done what makes the most sense; I've hidden my plans. I'm secretly dieting.

Dieting is hard enough. Secret dieting? Ugh. The good news is I can overcome the hurdle without him watching me then judging me if I potentially fail. The bad news is I am alone in this new life change. I have to watch him eat sourdough toast loaded with cheesy pesto.

I'm doing what is called The Virgin Diet. A friend loaned me the book and it sounds just naughty enough to be interesting. So far I've spent $300 on healthy foods, I have gained 0.2 pounds and I'm pissed at my husband. Hoping for a bit more success.