Watch Those Pounds Melt!

I'm on a diet where I order the food from a "health coach" and everything is prepackaged or dehydrated and full of soy protein and preservatives. I get one meal a day that is lean and green, meaning vegetables and meat, but the bulk of my nutrients come from the Optavia food packets. They have bars, shakes, dehydrated soup, snacks, etc. Basically, nothing grown from nature. My friend has coined the diet The Breast Cancer Diet due to soy being the first ingredient in all the packaged foods.

Why am I doing this? It's time to mix it up. Maybe it's a way to diet and keep my dignity. Maybe it's a way to simultaneously admit I'm overweight and rebel against mom, the one who told me I'm addicted to food and also would not touch soy as a GMO, mass-produced, and processed product.

I'm 5 days in and so far this isn't easy. Not impossible, but not easy. The hardest moment was at my monthly book club. I didn't sip wine or snack on chips and dips and I was agitated. Not having one is bearable but removing both felt like all my fun slipped away. I found the experience incredibly uncomfortable and I was bored. I was watching others have fun and I wasn't. Then I judged myself. Shouldn't I be able to have fun without food and alcohol? Shouldn't the conversation be enough? I'm an extrovert, after all, so isn't it enough for me to be with people?

I came home wondering what in my life isn't boring. Work feels tedious working from home and alone. My kids are fun to hang out with--when they will actually hang out with me and don't fight me. My marriage has so many problems that sometimes I have difficulty wanting to talk about my day. I see friends but it rarely feels like enough.

I wonder if I use food and alcohol to habitually relieve boredom or any other uncomfortable feelings. I've caught myself wanting a few dark chocolate almonds in the middle of the day when I don't feel like sitting at my desk and working. Now without my chocolate covered almonds and chardonnay, I wonder what is left.

I was so upset after book club and felt so dismal at the thought that I have already lived the best days of my life that I took a chance and talked to Tico about it. I shared how lifeless it feels to sit through the conversations and not eat the food and not drink the wine and he understood. Talking to him helped me feel grounded again. I am so thankful for his response and understanding. Maybe connection with another human being is what I am craving when I reach for a snack or want to drink wine. Connecting with someone else isn't what I think I want, but it satisfies the hunger when I have it.