Welcome To Utah

I made it to Utah! I rented a condo for three weeks to get out of SoCal, be by my sisters, and let the kids play with their cousins. I'll be working remotely but it still feels like a vacation to have the change of scenery and loved ones to visit.

Oh, how I love being with my sisters! We rotate houses for dinner each night and it is lovely to be around family every day. Plus, I'm going to lunch with an old friend from high school tomorrow. Lots of fun to meet my extroverted needs!

Yesterday while on a rare shopping trip with Eldest Sister I shared my breakthrough in dieting and how I have been struggling with Tico's declaration that my weight is not attractive to him. She was shocked and felt sad that I had felt I had to keep the betrayal to myself all these months. It was a validation to be heard. I've been replaying a phrase she said to me for the last 24 hours, 'no one gets to say anything about anyone else's body'.

My therapist believes in EMT, I forget what it stands for, but the theory is that we all have childhood wounds caused by large or small trauma and it is the job of the spouse to help heal those childhood wounds. While Tico isn't healing my wounds of feeling overweight and unattractive, this journey has shown me that I have loved ones who will help me heal. Both with my friend, Kristie, from the other night, and with my sister, Eldest, showing love and compassion.

I am still mad at Tico. I am mad to the point that I don't want to be alone with him or talk to him and I hope he doesn't push me to be close. He doesn't try to be close and I'm mad that he doesn't try. I'm not sure if we can repair this and I'm not sure I want to. And yet, for now, I feel taken care of by the universe that this pain is healing.