What Makes A Beautiful Life?

Life sure is interesting, isn't it? One day I hate my husband and equate living with him to hell on earth. The next we are making love in the afternoon. And I still don't know where I'm going to put my work desk.

I see something different today. What if I am more self-expressed then hold on tight when met with his disagreements? What if I share with him the things that I'm afraid to share for fear of his dragon reactions? I shared with him today that I'm frequently putting a lid on myself because I don't think he will like what I do, and I don't want to do that anymore because I feel suffocated and resentful. I finished sharing with him then promptly grew scared to tell him I would be leaving Sunday to drive to Santa Clarita and that I'm feeding the stray cats for a friend while she is out of town. Would he be mad I was leaving for a whole day on Sunday and feel abandoned? Would he resent me and say something hurtful? Would he be mad that I was feeding the stray cats in the rare chance that I could contract COVID from them? Would he disapprove of my doing a daily favor for a friend?

When I type these fears out I am struck by how controlling he is--and it's true, he truly is controlling--yet are we all? And I'm certainly capable of standing up to someone trying to control me. Or am I? And what stops me from letting him be upset then doing what I need to do anyway?

Glennon Doyle suggests that we consider what would make our lives beautiful. What if I could embrace all the things I love but Tico doesn't? What if I cut my hair short and what if I told those inappropriate jokes about vaginas and anal sex? What if I bought the house that I want to live in? What if I planned the beautiful trips that I want to do someday, like walk El Camino Del Santiago or spend a month in Bali? In other words: What if I could truly be myself in my relationship? Would we be compatible?