Wish Me Luck

Tico went away for the weekend and I felt relief knowing he would be gone the two nights. When he came home I felt suffocated again. Like gravity was twice as strong or a heavy weight was pulling me down into my seat.

We got into a fight where he pushed me to make a choice. I think my back and forth the last 6 weeks over the continuity of our marriage has gotten to him and he wanted me to decide. I don't blame him. It has been a tough two months with a lot of confused feelings. He said he wants to work it out and try to repair our marriage. I don't know if I believe him. When he can't hear that I'm mad I am left feeling dismissed and alone and like I'm being gaslighted. When he makes it about me when I know it isn't I want to scream at the injustice. If he wants to work out our differences wouldn't he listen to why I'm so hurt? Wouldn't he be curious where my pain comes from?

Today I explained all of that, again. I said I need space and I need some time apart. He was angry, then hurt, then insisted on telling the kids, then packed all his belongings and left. The idea is to separate for a month. I'm heartbroken and I'm relieved. I'm devastated and embarrassed and I wish I knew that what I was doing was right, but I don't. I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. Or I could be taking my bravest step towards living my most beautiful life.