Writing is proving to be scarier than I thought. Sometimes I write with a pen and notepad. Somehow the pen and notepad aren't as judgy and the words flow. But typing is where I want to be tonight, so here I am.
A dear friend is on my mind tonight. We used to be extremely close and about a year ago the universe gently guided our lives apart. Initially it looked like synchronistic scheduling misses, then work demands, then we would have plans to meet and one would get sick. It went on for months. Until finally, today, we have a divide.
What is a divide and why does the universe give them to us? I know. The instant I saw it I knew.
The last couple months I've been remembering who I am. My unique ancestral combination. On one side I have OG leaders of abundance and generosity so perfected that my line carries with it a smile and familiarity of fitting in everywhere. Worries don't exist as wealth, safety, and security are so known to be my heritage that they are not a concern. The universe loves me and will always take care of me. On the other side my leaders nurtured and loved me with an open heart and gave me a glimpse into the magical world that is womanhood. They revealed the mystique, pain, and glory and I was taught not to be afraid. My feminine tree can hold a masterclass in waltzing through life with elegance and beauty.
As Daughter comes of age I remember why I married her father, Husband #1. He was, is, a warrior of the highest army. He is in Achilles' army in the mythical greek wars. He is the Navy Seal that Achilles himself would send to save his beloved
Patroclus. He is strategic, competitive, afraid of nothing, and fights for the best. He saw me in my delicate, royal upbringing and chose me. He fought off suitors. He won. He wanted to be my protector, my provider, my man. I held no contest. I wanted him, too.
When I introduced him to my father's parents, the leaders from above, they were overjoyed. "Absolutely," they declared energetically, "we would love to do business with you." You see, for them, the ancestral lineage was crucial to creating perfect specimens in human form. When they saw Husband's trojan masculinity from a different part of the world than our lineage had previously been opened to, well, it was beautiful and glorious and seen as a truly auspicious match.
I recall an evening when we stayed at their home as newlyweds, sharing in sneaky lovemaking in their basement, only to recall, months later, that they never allowed us to stay at their house again. From that trip on they insisted they put us up in The Club across the street, so we could have a little privacy. A 5-star hotel that allowed them to never imagine their granddaughter being fucked by a trojan warrior ever again.
It is another example of the way Husband won. He didn't plan to have loud sex to mark his claim, absolutely not, but his energy did. It was a battle that his energy needed to prove to my rich white family that he was worthy of me. He owned me now. And I was proud. I had the warrior fighting for me and winning every time.
The marriage turned out to be extremely painful. While Husband is excellent in battle he is absent in intimacy. When he's not in battle he has no where to turn and starts to eat at himself. The loneliness was excruciating. Yet I was called to have his children. I would not, could not end the marriage without having them. It just wasn't an option.
At 19 years old, Son is now becoming a man, and some of his best characteristics are those that he learned from his father. He is learning from the best how to be a warrior and he is proud of who he is. Intuitively he wants to protect and provide. The methods I resisted in his father's teachings have attributed to making him who he is today.
It should come as no surprise that my grandparents, the ones that embraced Husband from the beginning, have been urging me to trust him with Daughter. My darling little girl who I have protected with my fierce love. He moved out when she was just 3 years old and I didn't witness him falling in love with her, like he did with my son. Furthermore, I didn't experience him understanding me in my delicate feminine essence, so how could I subject her to his cruel indifference?
But ever since that beautiful morning in January when I told my dad everything, my heart has softened. I see there are textures and complications in the nuanced intricacies of human relationships. My grandparents are right. Daughter needs her Daddy. My God, I had these children with him to create the perfection that we could only produce together. In all our glory, we were made to be their parents. I have been calling in his trojan warrior blood to care for our children. I have been calling in my own feminine beauty to pass on what I know.
I know truths that I won't share with you today. Truths that I only know how to share with my loves before sending them out into the world. Some are spiritual truths that I manifest for them. Some are hidden truths that they energetically confess to me. Some are old, buried misunderstandings that turned into devastating pain. Some truths are so raw that I don't want to write about them, even in my top secret blog, for fear someone will disagree with me, or even worse, agree with me. Because in relying on another for validation takes the power out of me and puts it onto you. And this, this is too important to let anyone else in. I alone know how to do this.
So maybe it's only right that me and my beloved friend can't be close right now. I don't want her to disagree with me. When I told her this she asked, "Have I ever not believed you?" The answer is no, yet, even more, I don't want her to agree with me. To need her validation defeats the expansive growth of trusting my intuition. I want to get this muscle strong and fierce before I expose it to anyone outside.